the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
