Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I met the friendliest cop last night
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
