what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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