My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Randomize
