i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
