I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
