she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
