Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
