the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
