I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
