he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Slut skills are useful in every country.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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