I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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