i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Randomize
