I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
