haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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