She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
