and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
