My first STD was from a foam party
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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