guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
