You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
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