Where did you get a picture of my penis
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
