Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
