saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
