Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
