I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
