the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
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