Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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