1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
The Olympian is in my bed
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
