i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
