She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
