On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
