Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
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