I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
i just google imaged poop.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
