best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
