Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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