I wanna passion pit in your ass
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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