booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I have aggressive nipples.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
