He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
