I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Randomize
