Taylor Swift is so right about you.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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