Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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