Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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