i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
