you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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