I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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