my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
