i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
