I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
