1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Randomize
