Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night�
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
i need some magic done to my vagina
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Randomize
