...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
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